When I was finally discharged from antenatal, Matt and I didn’t tell the kids. Instead he picked me up mid day from work and brought me home! Seeing my babies after 8 long days was so emotional. I missed them so much, more than I could have imagined. Plus it was the longest Matt and I had ever been apart since we started dating! Here are some pictures from coming home from the hospital.
Part of my “terms” to come home was to be on strict bedrest. I also had to monitor my temperature throughout the day as a fever would be the first sign of infection. I had 2 appointments as well with my dr office, where we would do a BPP (biophysical profile) of the boys. All of this went really seamlessly.
Delivery Day!
Saturday, April 25th, 2020 we woke up early for a 7am check in for a 9am csection! This was my 2nd csection, for our 2nd set of twin. I was still pretty nervous, to be honest. Going into major abdominal surgery is intense. There was a lot of prep going into surgery. My hospital has you take a shower with a special soap the night before and the morning of. Plus no makeup or deodorant or jewelry.
We made it to the hospital at the same time as our favorite provider, Michelle Davis. Even though she was a midwife she still made sure to be there for delivery! That is what friends are for right?! When we got up to triage and went to start an IV I actually passed out and in hilarious Alex fashion, created a name for myself amongst the nurses in triage. I laugh at this now, but in the moment, my anxiety was so high, I hyperventilated!
Finally the IV was placed and we were headed off to the OR. As you can imagine, if the IV gave me trouble, then the spinal block even more so! The third picture here melts me. I was so scared and felt so alone. A csection was the last thing I wanted that pregnancy. And then to have a giant needle shoved in my spine was like the icing on the cake. Support people like husbands or doulas, etc are not allowed into the OR under you are completely squared away. Luckily I had Michelle, who held me as I tried not to faint again that morning. I made it through the spinal block and was finally settled and ready to meet my miracle rainbow boys!
The boys’ pregnancy was my first pregnancy after loss. It was quite challenging compared to my other pregnancies. The first 12 weeks were really hard but I had the same great midwife from Porter’s pregnancy. That helped a lot because she knew my story. By the time we found out the boys were boys, I was about 14 weeks. After this time, the majority of my fear subsided that was associated with pregnancy loss. I am so grateful that worked out that way.
In the 2nd trimester, I began having bleeding episodes that landed us in triage 3x. We found out that I had full placenta previa. Placenta previa is when the placenta partially or fully covers the opening of the cervix. Therefore when there is any cervical change such as dilation, the placenta will bleed. This also meant that I no longer could try for a VBAC (vaginal birth after section) because if I tried, I could hemorrhage and lose the boys and myself potentially.
At 31+0 I woke up around 1am to a pop feeling and a warm gush of fluid. I went to the bathroom and saw that I was bleeding but it was very very watery. We went to triage that night thinking maybe it was just another bleeding episode. In triage they tried to test whether it was amniotic fluid but because there was blood mixed in, it was hard to get a clear answer. I was having mild contractions at the time which was pretty normal for me at this point. Then the dr came in and said, “You are getting admitted to antenatal. You will stay there until you deliver.” This freaked me out! We both were not prepared to be admitted into the hospital. Within minutes of being told this, transport was there to take me by wheelchair to my room. Here was the catch, it was the beginning of April 2020… Covid had just basically shut down the country. Matt was NOT allowed to come up with me OR even visit me! I had nothing with me but my phone and wallet. They let us wait to be transported because I was not okay with just leaving Matt on short notice and not knowing when I would even see him again.
In triage, the nurses gave me an intramuscular injection of a steroid to help the boys lungs just in case they decided to come early. Then 24 hours later they gave me one more injection of the steroid. Around noon the next day, so about 12 hours after coming to triage, my contractions kicked up in intensity and were 3-5mins apart. At this point, they needed to try to stop labor. They gave me magnesium via IV. What they say about ‘the mag’ is 100% true. IT BURNS! I felt like a truck hit me. I had to have an ice pack on my IV because it felt like my arm was on fire. After some time, the mag worked and I was able to get off of it.
I ended up staying in the hospital 8 days. The entire time I was trying to find a way to be discharged so I could go home to my kids. Matt had just started at his new job a few months before and suddenly had to work from home in our tiny 1100sq ft house. Plus schools closed down so all 4 girls were home! My mother in law took over helping with the kids while Matt worked, but it was so chaotic. I had the doctors retest for amniotic fluid and it came back positive on one test and inconclusive on another. Eventually, with the help of my midwife, we convinced my team to allow me to go home on bedrest. With this compromise, I agreed to have the boys at 34+0 which is the protocol when you PPROM. If I had stayed in the hospital though, they would let me go past 34+0 day by day as long as I was ok and the boys were ok.
God redeemed the loss of our first son Porter with miracle twins.
He continued to amaze us though. This wasn’t the extent of the miracle. Matt and I decided to pay out of pocket for the Natera Panorama NIPT. This blood test checks for chromosome abnormalties , gender and can differentiate the DNA between mom, baby A, and baby B. We used this same test to confirm that Hannah and Heidi were both girls and fraternal.
The crazy anticipation was real. And just like how I have never surprised Matt with a pregnancy test, the same applied with gender “reveals.” We have never done anything fun with revealing the gender of our babies. We were so anxious for these results that we just looked at the results together one night when Matt got home from work.
That’s it. LOL.
At our kitchen table with my phone face down, we counted to 3 to look at my phone.
3
2
1
I turned my phone over but didn’t show Matt! LOL I needed to look first and I could not believe it!!
TWIN BOYS! FRATERNAL TWIN BOYS!
We were shocked to say the least. How in the world did we have fraternal twin boys? How lucky were we that not only would Matt be able to be a boy dad but a boy dad to TWO boys!
Scientifically it seemed unreal that Matt had not one but two healthy perfect DNA sperm that made it to my two eggs that hyperovulated this cycle. How insane is that?! To us, it truly seemed to be the work of God! There’s no reason this could happen to us.
Miracle twin boys were destined to join our family that was full of girls!
If you are reading this, you can see it has been a YEAR since I last blogged. Life took a turn as it did for the entire globe. Shortly after my last post the pandemic hit and basically life shut down. I am going to quickly catch you up from when I found out I was pregnant in September 2019 to birth over the next few posts.
Here’s where we left off:
The day I found out I was pregnant, I went into my doctor office to get an early beta (blood pregnancy test). I could not believe it when the results came back at 16 at approximately 9DPO. This was higher than Porter’s beta at 6DP5DT (aka 11DPO). My next beta was at 13DPO and it was at 210!!! That gave me a doubling time of 25 hours!
It was at this point where between a few close friends, we started to compare Hannah and Heidi’s beta numbers and Porter’s beta numbers with this pregnancy. Half joking, half speculating that MAYBE it was more than one baby.
At 5 weeks on the dot, I got to have an early ultrasound. I was so nervous. I knew that at this stage I would only see a gestational sac and nothing else. But I needed this to feel real because every day I basically sat with my jaw dropped mouthing “WTF” to Matt.
I went in on a Saturday and my favorite midwife (Michelle Davis at MOGA in Phoenix, AZ) gave me a quick ultrasound.
And what do you know…
ONE SWEET GESTATIONAL SAC CAME UP ON THE SCREEN!
I was elated to see that we did in fact conceive a baby spontaneously by ourselves with no fertility assistance. God was so so good to us. He was so gracious to redeem the loss of Porter with this new surprise miracle.
Fast forward 2 days, my midwife said she needed me to come in for more blood work just to check that it was rising and she would do an ultrasound again just because. If you have every experienced infertility, you know that we get spoiled in the IVF world with early and frequent ultrasounds. I was so lucky that my midwife knew that and after loss it was so appreciated.
At 5w2d, we saw ONE sweet baby with a fetal pole, but TWO other SACS with nothing. I was assured again it was only one baby. But if yall know me, then you know I spent every second after that speculating if it could be humanly possible for us to conceive not one, not two, but three babes spontaneously.
Then because you would think I am not crazy enough to believe I am actually pregnant, the anxiety and fear of pregnancy loss took hold of me. Suddenly at 5w6d, I woke up and did not feel pregnant. Instant PTSD hit me. One of the first things with Porter was I did not feel pregnant. I was terrified that already I had placed so much hope and love in this miracle baby and pregnancy and it was being taken away from me again.
I texted my midwife and she squeezed me in just to reassure me that everything was ok and if it wasn’t then we would know and go from there.
In I went to the office, nervous and scared.
I texted Matt when I was in the waiting room letting him know I was there and to pray everything was ok.
Matt jokingly sent me a text the twin girl in bunny costumes emoji.
I walk into the exam room.
They tell me to change.
Then gave me the paper blanket to drape over my lap.
So anxious.
So nervous.
So vulnerable. (literally who doesn’t feel that one sitting naked in a doctors office lol)
Michelle comes in. We chat. She says I will be ok. I laugh it off nervously. I assume the position for a transvaginal ultrasound. I am staring at the screen. The wand goes in. I SCREAM! I JUMP OFF THE TABLE! I THROW MY PAPER BLANKET AT MICHELLE!
“OMG THERE’S TWO BABIES IN THERE!”
Michelle does not believe me.
At this time I am freaking out.
I just keep yelling “OMG!” over and over.
She opens the door and yells, “I need an ultrasound tech in here NOW!”
The tech comes in.
Michelle tells me not to jump off the table this time.
The tech inserts the wand.
BAM!
TWO PERFECT BABIES WITH PERFECT HEARTBEATS!
Ya’ll I videoed this. If you want to see the best video every finding out we were pregnant with our second set of twins, go to my Instagram and look in my reels. It is HILARIOUS!
You may be thinking, “OMG I bet you told Matt in the coolest way!”
Nah, not me. Lol
I called Matt right there and told him over the phone.
He did not believe me until I sent him an ultrasound picture and the video.
I was dumbfounded, shocked, speechless, in awe. How in the world did this happen? God gave us TWO tiny babies with heartbeats. We had NO scientific reason or explanation to how this could be. The only explanation was because GOD.
Maybe just maybe… I wanted these babies and all the reason people think they are giving to ease the pain are dumb and pointless because nothing can negate the fact that these babies meant so much to me. They were and are wanted.
I have ghosted my blog for several reasons. Shame, fear, inauthenticity, happiness, being overwhelmed, sick, lost, limited in time. All valid and all related to surviving loss.
September 26th, 2019, I woke up really early to go on a run. While making my coffee, I randomly decided to take a pregnancy test. Not because Matt and I had been trying to conceive but because I had been symptom spotting with an IVF friend of mine recently. The month prior was her symptom spotting and testing. And then a few weeks later I had mentioned some twinges that I had in a similar timeframe with Hannah and Heidi’s pregnancy (even though their pregnancy was IVF). So that Thursday morning I was approximately 9DPO. I POAS (peed on a stick) and made my coffee from my Keurig.
At first glance, I immediately called it a BFN (big fat negative) and sent a message to my IVF buddy at 4:45am! My coffee finished brewing and I stirred in some cream and sugar. I gave one more glance at the cheap Walmart 88 cent pregnancy test sitting under my stove light in my dark, quiet kitchen.
A FRICKING LINE WAS THERE.
Clear as day a line. On a pregnancy test. Taken on a whim. At 4:45am on a Thursday. NOT with IVF.
I started to panic, thinking, “this cannot be real. OMG.”
I send multiple pictures to my IVF friend.
Then to another friend in PA.
Then to my IVF birth group with the girls.
Then to my local IVF group.
Then to my local Phoenix friend.
And finally, to my midwife I had with Porter asking, “Could this be real?”
Remember this is at 4:45 in the morning. My entire house is asleep and I am in my kitchen having a photoshoot with a plastic pregnancy test that has pee on it while in my pajamas.
My midwife, Michelle, immediately texts me back.
“Maybe.”
“Can I come in for a beta?”
“Yes, any time after 8am.”
(Guess who was there right at 8am?)
All the people I had blasted 5 minutes prior were responding with the same reaction.
“OMG NO FRICKING WAY!”
As all this started sinking in and the line on the pregnancy test settles, it seems surreal and undeniable at the same time. I am not like other women out there that come up with adorable sweet ways to tell their husbands they are pregnant. No. Not me. Once upon a time before trying to conceive led us to the world of infertility, I planned all the cute ways to tell Matt we made a baby. But that wasn’t me anymore. So naturally, I walk into our bedroom, now it is 5am, and immediately turn on the lights and loudly announce, “I need you to look at something.”
There was no “Good morning, baby. Can I talk to you about something?”
Nope. Before he could even open both eyes, I was standing in front of him shoving a pregnancy test in his face. This poor patient man, stunned, drowsy and blinded at 5am, sat up and stared at a pregnancy test.
Matt is no novice at staring at pregnancy tests. He was equally there with my staring at early pregnancy lines with every pregnancy. He saw the line, looked up at me and said, “What? You’re pregnant? How?”
After this was a blur! I remember putting my hands-on Matt’s shoulders and repeating “HOW!? OMG!” There was a line. A solid early line on a pregnancy test. We both could not believe it that this could happen to us after everything we went through.
When I was pregnant with Porter and I was asked this question my answer was, “I have four girls and I am pregnant with my 5th.” I had already included him in my count. Answering this question fresh after losing Porter bothers me.
Why does this question bother me?
This question is hard because grieving a loss is hard. There are a lot of feelings to navigate just inside myself. People don’t know they are asking a question that is ‘triggering. (No, I am not saying no one can ask how many kids people have!) But in the moments of grief, it is hard to regulate my emotions. Sometimes this question spirals me to a dark place because I miss Porter so much. Sometimes I have guilt that I am ok in the moment but not strong enough to acknowledge him to people. Sometimes I am scared that others will not see him as my child since it was “only a miscarriage.” This question broke me all over again. I was so sad and enraged that my baby died. I was so confused at how to answer without being in full on hysterical tears or being angry at them for asking just an innocent but traumatizing question.
Here are a few ways I have gone about answering this question:
Question: How many kids do you have?
Answer: I have four girls.
Headspace: I am not emotionally stable at the moment to explain my 5th child I lose. I am too fragile to explain my story. They are not people I want to be vulnerable with right now about my loss. I do not have time to explain what has happened to my child.
Acceptable Response: Wow that must be so fun!
Unacceptable Response: Wow that’s a lot of kids! I bet you’re done! Are you sad you don’t have a boy?
Feedback: When I tell someone I have four girls, I am not telling them for pity. I am not telling them to get the advise that we should be “done.” You never know meeting someone for the first time if they have lost a child. Please do not make light of how many children they have. Also asking if someone is sad about having all boys or all girls not only is annoying to parents but think of the siblings if they are close by. They may over hear and wonder why that adult thinks they should be sad to have all girls or all boys.
Question: How many kids do you have?
Answer: I have five kids.
Headspace: I am emotionally strong in the moment. If questioned, I am ready to tell my story. Porter is on my mind a lot and I feel guilty not including him.
Acceptable Response: Wow that must be so fun!
Unacceptable Response: Wow that’s a lot of kids! I bet you’re done!
Feedback: Again the commentary on the number of kids is uncalled for. You may not even know how many of those children are living. I know plenty of moms that have had multiple miscarriages or stillbirths.
Question: How many kids do you have?
Answer: I have many kids.
Headspace: I am emotionally raw at the moment. I am trying to distract from my devastation by adding humor. If you ask me for clarification, I will probably say I have four kid and try to end the conversation. I am not ok to talk about my loss.
Acceptable Response: Haha, aw I am sure it is so fun!
Unacceptable Response: Haha, you know how that happens right?
Feedback: The negative response is insesnsitive. You do not know the story behind someone’s children. You do not know how many are living or dead. You do not know how they got there; naturally conceived, IUI, IVF, adoption, foster.
Question: How many kids do you have?
Answer: I have four girls and one boy in heaven.
Headspace: I am emotionally at a place where my story is a bit more accepted in my reality. I know that I am ready to explain my story if asked. My baby is my baby and he is apart of our family.
Acceptable Response: I am so sorry for your loss. What was his name?
Unacceptable Response: How lucky you are to have four living children though.
Feedback: If someone is willing to straight up tell you that they lost a child, ACKNOWLEDGE THAT! Ask them what their baby’s name was. Saying “I am sorry for you loss” makes all the difference. You are validating their story and their baby. It means the world to them. I promise.
So where does this leave you when you know this question is coming after a loss?
How do you prepare and survive this question after a loss?
Short and sweet answer: Accept that there is no right and easy way to prepare for this question after a loss.
Listen to your heart and evaluate where you are in your grief each day. Somedays you will feel strong and accepting in your grief. You will feel love for your baby and will be able to share your baby and include them without crumbling. Somedays when listening to your heart, you will feel that you are not ready to share the raw emotions of losing your baby. You may feel fragile and that anything may trigger you do crumbling in tears. You may feel that no one will understand your sadness so it would be better to box it up and put it away for now. And some days, the anger might boil. You may hate everything everyone says. Maybe you twist words said because it hurts that no one is hurting like you are.
That’s all okay.
Grief will come in waves. You may be able to answer how many kids do you have easily or Tuesday and then not at all on Friday.
Just Remember: How you answer this question does not change how much you love and miss your baby. You will always love and miss them. <3
A legacy is passing on your life experiences and the wisdom you’ve gained through trials and triumphs. A legacy is something you leave behind that will benefit others. A legacy is what you will be remembered for and how you will make this world a better place.
Often times we think of leaving a legacy after decades of life. We imagine in our old age, we sit back and reflect thinking about what imprint did we leave on this world. Society associates a legacy with death and death often with old age. But what about the legacy of a baby who never had earthly experiences? Do they have a legacy?
Can an unborn baby leave a legacy?
My answer is a resounding YES! Absolutely! An unborn baby can have just as much impact and wisdom on lives as a 90-year-old. The trial alone of losing a baby can change and transform a single person. I believe that good can come out of trials like this. I believe there can be a legacy for an unborn baby.
Porter’s Legacy
The last two days I was able to host a table at two local FIT4MOM franchise groups in my area. My table was for Porter. I had a selection of books that I have found are helpful in my grief and my children’s grief. I had small gift bags with a poem, seed paper and a candle. I had print outs of lists for local therapists, support groups and baby loss doulas. And of course, fruit for the mamas and kiddos to snack on.
I wanted to host this table because when I lost Porter my midwife, Michelle, was amazing. She helped me get into therapy. I was assessed for Postpartum Depression immediately. Which did you know you could have PPD after pregnancy loss? I had no idea! I had friends who dropped off things for Porter, sent Postmates gift cards so we could eat, sent flowers, dropped off books. My family honored him and never belittled his existence. I had friends that reached out to me and shared their story. They made me feel like my baby mattered. I had an amazing support system instantaneously after Porter died.
As I started talking to more and more women who had experienced this loss, I realized many, if not most of them, did not have the support like I did. Women shared that they felt alone in their grief. They were not offered a referral to a therapist. They were not screened for Postpartum Depression and Anxiety. They were simple told either A) follow up 4-6 weeks post D&C or B) you can start trying in 3 months. Can anyone tell me how those two options are helpful just after you lost a baby? They aren’t helpful at all.
This is why I started this blog and wanted to run these tables. If medical providers are not providing the resources after a loss, women are going uncared for in a time they so desperately need care. Every midwife, OBGYN, perinatalogist and IVF clinic should be equipped with the local resources to find support after a loss. My table was hosted in the Tempe/Mesa area of the Phoenix valley. I wanted my information to be relevant to them and easy to access. In the midst of my grief, googling for a therapist was NOT what I wanted to do. If anything, I hoped that a mom who saw my table would store some information in her mind and be able to help another friend, sister, coworker down the road, so they know they aren’t alone.
Aside from the medical providers aspect, this table addressed processing grief. I brought a long a handful of books that I have found invaluable. The main one that many moms noticed was the one we had for Emberli. This book helped Emberli process what death and grief was on a child level. Looking through the book, it does a great job scaffolding terms so that a child can truly begin to process their loss. It starts with explaining change, then death, then grief and finally exploring their experience. What a wonderful resource to share with moms looking for support with any loss.
This table and this blog is Porter’s legacy. He left such a huge imprint on my life. He has taught me more about the qualities of the person I strive to be. I have learned through his loss that empathy is a gem, a badge of honor that we earn. I have learned that sympathy is equally important and harder to navigate in loss. Losing Porter has taught me to be a more compassionate person. He has shown me that through loving him fiercely during his short life, I can love others fiercely too. I have learned that perseverance is more than just crossing off my to-do- list, but picking myself up every day to keep going. Porter has taught me to be honest. I wasn’t dishonest with others before, but I wasn’t necessarily honest with myself. Losing Porter has made me confront myself, my fears and get honest through therapy.
Look at the amazing path of beauty this sweet boy has left behind him. He has changed me to the core of who I am and how I respond to the world around me. He has changed the stigma on not sharing pregnancy loss. Because he mattered to me and your baby mattered to you.
I stared out the window on our drive to the hospital in silence. I wondered, “Why didn’t anyone prepare me for this part of loss? How do you navigate picking up your baby after they die?”
The answer, honestly, is not straight and easy. For me, I wish someone would have told me that my baby may be in a bag labeled biohazard. For me, I wish someone would have made sure I didn’t have to walk into the hospital to pick him up alone. For me, I wish someone would have given me resources on what my options were from there. I wasn’t mentally and emotionally prepared for this part of life after loss. No one gave me advice before hand.
Here are three steps you should do when picking up your baby.
Getting Your Right to Keep Your Baby
I did some research after Porter died, but before our D&C, and found that for miscarriages that are before 20 weeks gestation, hospitals are not required to report the baby as a death. They are also allowed to dispose of them at the medical facility. Depending on the facility, some have policies in place that allow you to keep your baby by signing a consent form to release “products of conception”, some allow you to request a death certificate and retain a permit to transport to a funeral home, some allow you to select the option of them cremating the remains and spreading them in their own lost baby garden, some have no policies for or against you being able to get your baby back, but they don’t typically offer an option either. Babies born after 20 weeks gestation do require a death certificate and the process is slightly more straight forward.
Google here is not your friend though. If you try to search “how to keep my baby after a miscarriage?” you get super vague answers. Definitely not helpful.
The best thing you can do is follow the chain of command. Start with asking your provider who will be taking care of you. See if they know the policy at the medical facility you will be at. Even just asking “Can we keep our baby after?” is a great way to initiate the conversation. If your doctor does not know the answer, see if they can call the director of their practice to ask. A lot of the time, these things are gray areas and providers are not too familiar with it. If your doctor is unsure, ask your nurses at the hospital or medical facility if there is anyway to keep your baby after. More often than not, a nurse will be able to pull strings by asking for you. Some nurses may not know the answer, if they don’t, ask if a patient advocate can talk to you about keeping your baby afterwards. These people are great at their job and making sure your needs are met. The patient advocate should be able to share options available; whether that is a release from pathology, a permit for transport to a funeral home, in house cremation, etc. If the patient advocate is unsure, straight up ask for a release of your baby’s remains. Think of it like this, someone had surgery to remove their gallbladder and they want to keep it. This route, I would suggest, as the last step because your emotions are high. Having to switch from sadness to assertive can often come off hostile and be counter productive to getting your baby home.
Preparing to Pick Up Your Baby
For us, we had a three week window of waiting before pathology would release Porter. From talking with friends, the time period of getting their baby back varied based on gestation, autopsy if applicable, hospital, and way of release (signed form, transport to funeral home etc.). Aside from the variation of how long to pick up your baby, the waiting period is a rollercoaster of emotion. I felt like I went through two waves of heavy grief in that three week period. I was everywhere from hysterical crying, to a glimmer of a smile, to being numb.
Preparing to pick up your dead baby, in whatever way you are, is challenging. There are a lot of moving parts (emotions, people, outside factors) and a lot of unknown parts (where do I go, who do I call, how much does it cost).
Moving Parts:
Emotions- your emotions will be everywhere in this time. You may feel uneasy knowing that there will be impending emotion on the horizon. This is not something that you can will away. It is super helpful to share your feelings with a 3rdparty other than your spouse or significant other. I say this because your “other” person is grieving too. And most likely they will be so thick in their emotional rollercoaster that they may not be able to listen and talk through your emotions the way you need them to. So, find a friend or better yet, a therapist! Lay your emotions out, all the raw, irrational, unfiltered emotions. Let them be voiced. They are valid and they are ok. Find someone who can hold that space for you.
People- first let’s address your household. The people living with you are often the closest emotionally and relationally to you. This include significant others and other children. These people are a moving part because they too are grieving. They also came home without a baby. They also lost a soul at the same time you did. Their grief may look different than yours. And that is ok. During this time of preparing to bring home your baby, try to acknowledge these people in your life that they are wrestling with emotions too. Empathy and grace are gems to others and will also help you accept it from yourself and others.
Outside Factors- this is basically the entire world. Maybe that seems too broad, but it’s true. These are things like work, exercise, appointments, responsibilities. It is so easy for some of us to throw ourselves into life things in order to disassociate from trauma. If you can, take time off of work or cut back hours. Be kind to your body. It just gave birth. Yes, even a natural miscarriage or a D&C is giving birth to your baby. Your body needs to be physically taken care of right now. Exercise should be tabled for a bit, yes even if it’s your “therapy.” If you have a planner full of appointments and responsibilities, ask someone close to you, not your spouse, if they can take your kid to the dentist or pick up your grocery order. Lightening your load is in your control and it is ok.
This next part is what overwhelmed me the most and in waiting for Porter it made my anxiety skyrocket.
Unknown Parts:
Who: Who do I need to get a hold of at the hospital in order to confirm pick up or transport or XYZ? Look on your discharge papers. Start there. I was given a copy of our release form and called the number on that paper. If there is no number or you lost your discharge papers, just call the hospital and straight up say “Hi. My baby died and I am supposed to pick up their remains. I was told to call the hospital. Can you point me in the right direction?” You may play musical phone transfer until you land in the right hands. That’s ok. It’s worth it.
What: What are my options? Truthfully, there aren’t too many options in any death/loss situation. You can A) cremate or B) have a burial. Take some time to list out the pros and cons of each of these. Some people have a family plot at a cemetery and that is extremely important to them. Some people want to have their baby cremated to have in an urn at home. Others may want to spread their babies ashes. There are so many things to consider here. This list is for you and your significant other. Find what is important to you because it will be a part of your closure.
Where: Where do I find services? This was hard for me. I hated looking up funeral homes and cremation costs. I would suggest asking a friend or family member if they can call around to gather this information. If you don’t have anyone who can do this for you to ease the burden, chunk this task to make it more manageable. Make a list of 10 places nearby with the contact information. Take a break for a day or so if time permits and then call 2-3 places at a time to gather price quotes. Calling on the phone seemed to get me more accurate information and faster.
When: When do I call to get things in order? Sooner rather than later is the short answer. I waited two weeks after my D&C before I started researching places to bury or cremate Porter. I also waited until day 20 to call pathology. Starting your research earlier, although emotionally difficult, can help lessen the anxiety to find something asap. I also felt that solving this unknown sooner would have allowed me to check this box off and not have to use emotional energy towards this.
Why: Why are there so many unknowns?! To be honest… the life after loss world is unrepresented. When people lose a baby, there is not the same outpouring support like there would be an elderly relative. This needs to change! This post is here to help make the unknowns known.
Finally Picking Up Your Baby
It was 22 long days later when I got to hold Porter again. I had, mostly, figured out the above parts and I had this day circled on my calendar. We all got in the car (Matt, our four girls and I) and drove downtown to the hospital. Matt sat in the car with the girls and dropped me off at the front of the hospital. I had to pick him up alone. It was morning when we went. I was nervous. I didn’t know what to expect. I didn’t know how much of him was left. I didn’t know if I wanted to see him or not. I felt unprepared for meeting my baby again.
Things I wish I would have known:
Do not take your kids with you. Get a babysitter.
Do not go alone. Take someone in with you.
Expect people to not be aware of your sensitive situation. It’s ok to guard yourself emotionally.
Expect formalities like signing papers, providing ID and or permits. This is a part of their job they do everyday.
Your baby may not look like a baby. But that doesn’t change your love.
It’s ok to be protective and not want to let go.
Spend time after reflecting and processing the new flood of emotions.
I wish Matt would have been able to walk into the hospital with me that day. I wish he was there with me to hold my hand while we walked down the busy hospital halls to pick up Porter. I wish I would have guarded myself emotionally when a hospital staff jokingly asked “What cool body part are you picking up? Anything good?” I wanted to die and crumble onto the floor right then thinking, “My dead baby. That’s what I am picking up.” I wish it wasn’t “awesome” when I finished signing more release papers for my baby. I wish I didn’t have to walk out of the hospital clenching a biohazard bag with my baby in it. I wish I didn’t look inside the bag because his body is only for this world and his spirit is with Jesus. I wish I knew that it was ok to white knuckle a plastic bag for hours just so I didn’t have to let him go again. I wish I took time that day to acknowledge where I was in my grief rather than try to resume my life now that it was “over.”
I hope that if you are reading this, you make a mental note of how to help someone through a loss as they prepare to pick up their baby. I hope that if you are reading this and you just lost your baby, that you take a moment to know you aren’t alone. The moving parts and the unknowns can all be addressed. And you will make it.
There is a desire and drive to keep someone you love alive after they die. Keeping someone alive is simply doing everything you can to preserve them in daily life. Doing everything you can to keep their memory and essence here with you.
Using their name
Talking about them in present tense
Keeping belongings out that are theirs
Displaying or wearing tokens
These are the most common ways that people try to keep their loved ones’ memory alive.
A token of loss is something people use to remind them of their loved ones that have passed away. This can be a variety of things such as; rings, necklaces, bracelets, wind chimes, trinkets, candles, framed pictures, etc. A loss token can be extremely comforting for the one grieving.
After losing Porter, I frantically searched for loss tokens hoping and longing to preserve his memory. All of these things are stragicaly placed in various parts of our home, just like if Porter was arriving soon, clothes and baby items would have their place. Now there are tokens that represent his presence in our family and home.
My mom bought me several tokens for Porter. She got me a ring with angel wings that I have not taken off since I got it (purchased here). Also a bracelet that says “God has you in his arms, I have you in my heart” purchased from here. (link) The day or two after Porter died, she sent me a wind chime with angels that hangs on our back porch. (purchased here) The sound of the wind chime makes me feel like Porter is here reminding me that he knows I love him.
My friend Brittany sent me a beautiful necklace to remember Porter. The necklace has multiple charms; an angel wing, his name, a lavender jewel and a circle with the quote “I carried you every second of your life and I will love you every second of mine.” I have loved this token because some days in my grief I want to wear his name close to my heart all day. Other days I need the reminder that he is perfectly loved and happy in Heaven, so I wear the angel wing.
My friend Sylvia just recently sent me a beautiful charm bracelet.
A group of sweet friends from my birth group with Ava, the lucky charms, sent me a care box. This box had different goodies inside, including a small ceramic heart. This heart is a token that I set out in our living room and the girls refer to it as “Porter’s heart.” The group that the box was from is called ___ and can be found here.
We have a gallery wall of pictures in our hallway. Typical gallery pictures include baby, wedding and family photos. My mom sent us a beautiful print from this shop. I framed it and now Porter will forever be included in our gallery wall.
My friend Erika surprised us with a very thoughtful gift of a hand painted portrait of our family with Porter. Made by smiddycaligraphy(link), we now have a complete family portrait to display. This one still brings me to tears.
My mother in law, Debra Gooding, had our announcement picture framed. This was originally an anniversary gift to us, but has turned into a token representing Porter. For weeks, I could not look at this picture though. I would lay it face down on our dresser or put it up in our closet. Now I am finally able to display it without breaking down crying.
From the loss bag that I received at Maricopa OBGYN, there was a handmade rice pack with lavender and a candle. The rice pack does not leave my nightstand and the candle is in the living room. On top of the rice pack is a hat that I purchased from this Etsy shop when I was still pregnant. Porter’s hat sits on the rice pack on the nightstand. When we came home from the doctor appointment where we confirmed Porter had passed away, I had Matt heat up the rice pack for me. For days, I would place the warmed rice pack on my uterus. Just to keep him warm. I felt so cold and empty knowing he was dead in my womb. Warming and holding him while I cried helped me somehow. When I would lay with the rice pack on my stomach, I laid Porter’s hat on the pillow next to me.
Tokens are, more often than not, a part of how a person processes grief. Some people will seek to find several of their own tokens that are meaningful to them. Others will only have one token that they treasure to remind them of their loss. People have tokens of loss after miscarriages, stillbirth, infant loss, child loss, death of a family member and even pets.
Even though doing these things helps someone that is grieving a loss feel some solace, it is not closure. This is important to note because remembering your loss with talking, things, and tokens are healthy and healing. But it is not closure. Finding closure is not as straight forward. We will address that next blog.
Do you have a token of loss? What is it? How did you come to acquire it?
